Mind

My mind shows in yellowed skin and acne scars
Shaky hands and faded scratches dismissed with a wave
The urge to answer the voices are squashed within the public eye
My nerves are tense and wary because

You can’t have a breakdown here

I laugh with friends, ignoring the need to validate
My place in their lives with streams of questions
I suppress the spontaneous tears or screams,
The emotions that are far too heightened, hidden
Politely I keep it inside and protected because
On the outside, when I’m outside, I look okay

But then I’m on my own

The scars increase in number, my skin colour slowly matching parchment
Nails absentmindedly pull at my hair, at my clothes
At my skin
Voices are calling me and I answer them boldly
They ask me, order me
I follow their bidding, I let myself go

I breakdown

I wash my hair in the sink at 2am,
Ignoring the water pouring onto the floor
I slam my hands into the carpet, the burns brazing my skin
I bite my skin until it bleeds
Leaving my door unlocked, I sprint down the street
In the dark and the rain

I forget where I am, how old I am, who I am

Memories and imagination mangled together
Lines between real and fake blurred
Distorted figures are in my head but in front of me
I can reach out and touch them
They are a part of me

But I find comfort in my madness
And it finds comfort in me
For it has been my mind forever,

And it is who I am